1. Intensive skin rejuvenating wrinkle defying face serum is a great present.
2. Wear high heels all night at your 50th party and your knees will pay you back by giving you terrible gyp the next day.
3. Despite having notched up a half century, go out with your mother and she'll ask if you have your bag/coat/keys. Could be worse, she could still be asking if you're wearing clean knickers and if you need a wee before you leave, she only stopped doing that when you were about 32.
4. You are now Madam, never to be Miss or Madamoiselle again.
5. 'Suck it all in' bodies do work but unpop them without concentrating at 2.45am at the end of your party and, before you know it, they roll up tight under your armpits and you're stuck fast. It'll take a considerable length of time and several helpers to get you out. I know, I learned the hard way.
6. Your email spam is suddenly full of Saga holidays, facelift offers, ads for star lifts and Viagra and invitations to train to become a gas engineer.
7. Be forgetful, lose something or just be a little bit eccentric and your sons will say 'It's because you're old now Mum'.
8. Keeping the boobs upright will require a bra that costs the equivalent of the GDP of a small country.
9. 10.30pm is a late night.
10. Buy an expensive new perfume and everyone says 'oh I loved you in Chloe, it was your smell.' Put the expensive new perfume in a drawer and go back to Chloe.
11. If you wake up and feel the need to see the sea, go.
12. If someone buys you great jewellery, hang on to them, tightly!
