It's that time of year when the garden centres are packed and it seems like everyone is pruning, mowing, weeding and planting.
My garden is featuring in a couple of weeks as the backdrop for the launch party for my new business, La Belle Provence, so my usual annual practice of bunging a few geraniums in pots and doing a spot of weeding so the perennials are vaguely visible in the borders, isn't going to be anywhere near enough.
Everyone has been pitching in and my menfolk have been doing their bit to help get the place looking fetching. They're full of enthusiasm but their gardening knowledge is rather limited.
The 17-year-old put the schedule back somewhat when he managed to put the lawnmower out of action by mowing through the cable. After that, I decided the safest place for him and his brother was the flower beds, so one son tackled one border while the other tidied up another. A short while later the 11-year-old called me over to see his handiwork and proudly pointed out that he'd carefully weeded around 'that yellow flower'.......a dandelion. Bless.
He's definitely not in the league though of the estate agent friend of one of my girlfriends who arrived home and was telling his wife about his day. He told her that he'd done a viewing where he'd shown a couple around a house and it had been like virtually every other viewing until they'd begun acting extremely oddly as he took them around the garden.
Apparently the viewing around the house had been fine but once they'd got in the garden and he'd begun his sales pitch, they'd started sniggering and every time they caught each other's eye they'd start giggling and it was obvious they were trying not to collapse into hysterics.
The poor chap was completely baffled by their behaviour and couldn't work out what was going on but he gamely carried on with the viewing, trying to ignore the couple's sniggers and snorts.
'Well, did you do anything or say anything to make them behave like that?' asked his wife. 'They were ok in the house and it only started in the garden? Talk me through what you did when you got out in the garden and tell me exactly what you said.'
'Well, we went into the back garden and you know I don't know that much about gardens so I couldn't go into a lot of detail so I said there was a nice mature oak tree. Then I took them over to one of the borders and said there were some lovely established shrubs and then I pointed out how pretty the clitoris was that was in flower.'
'WHAT? YOU SAID WHAT?'
IT'S CLEMATIS!' yelped his wife........
Sunday 27 May 2012
Wednesday 2 May 2012
It's party-time......not in my house, it isn't.
I came across an online article yesterday where parents were fretting about whether they dared to show their faces if their teenager was having a party at home. The general tone implied that staying in the house was heavy-handed and they should leave the kids to it.
Apparently parents don't want to be seen as killjoys or, horror of horrors, embarrass their offspring by staying in the house and keeping an eye on proceedings. It appears there's an etiquette to teenage parties and that centres around the parents not being there although being close enough just in case. The article suggested popping to a nearby cinema or maybe around the corner to the local pub or restaurant so you'd be in the area but wouldn't spoil the fun.
Are these people completely mad? I've recently experienced a teenage party from hell and all I can say is don't do it but if you do, don't step a toe outside your house and, for god's sake, don't leave them alone for a minute. A riot hose on standby is also a good idea.
Last year the elder son had a music night at home for his 16th birthday with about 15 friends, take-away pizzas, music up loud....and it passed without a hitch. He planned to do the same this year. I'd put in place all the precautions I could think of, the main one being to keep quiet about his party and not, under any circumstances, to mention it on Facebook or any other social network.
Somehow word got out and we were inundated with gatecrashers, already flying on Lambrini and god knows what else by 8pm. A house and garden full of drunk teenagers is not much fun and I was seriously considering turning the garden hose on to get rid of them but a more measured approach from a less confrontational adult than me eventually worked. Knowing my luck that night the hose would have been on the sprinkler setting anyway.
In the time it took to get rid of our uninvited guests they managed to steal five bottles of champagne and a bottle of vodka, break the downstairs loo, pee in the shower in the boys' upstairs bathroom, smash pictures I'd stacked in my bedroom leaving glass scattered all over the carpet, climb on my neighbour's Mercedes and rip off the number plate and, the piece de resistance, steal my son's iPod, BlackBerry and watch. They were trying to get his laptop and Beats headphones but a canny friend of his overheard and hid them. Apparently 'jacking' is now the in thing, go to a party and nick as much as you can...
I caught a couple trying to sneak into the spare bedroom and threw them out despite their 'we only want to talk' routine, yeah, right......
With the help of the teenage network, by the next day I'd got the iPod, phone and watch back and the girl who'd caused the damage to my neighbour's car had been traced and paid for the damage.
This all happened with adults in the house in a rural market town in Wiltshire. There's a seismic difference between 16 and 17 and it's alcohol. I later discovered that some of the girls who'd looked at least 18 in their body-con dresses and skyscraper heels and who were out of their heads were actually only 14 or 15.
A friend told me that someone she knew had invited 20 kids and 80 had turned up so we got away relatively lightly. I'm still seething about the champagne as it had been given on special birthdays and to celebrate special moments and I know it ended up being sprayed around a la Formula One or necked and then chucked (up).
I did my fair share of drunken partying as a teenager and I have dim and distant memories of throwing up in someone's flowerbeds. The police turned up a few times but it was always because the music was too loud, not because we were trashing someone's home.
So my advice to any parents thinking about letting their teenager have a party at home and worrying about spoiling the fun by staying around, is this - hire a hall.
Apparently parents don't want to be seen as killjoys or, horror of horrors, embarrass their offspring by staying in the house and keeping an eye on proceedings. It appears there's an etiquette to teenage parties and that centres around the parents not being there although being close enough just in case. The article suggested popping to a nearby cinema or maybe around the corner to the local pub or restaurant so you'd be in the area but wouldn't spoil the fun.
Are these people completely mad? I've recently experienced a teenage party from hell and all I can say is don't do it but if you do, don't step a toe outside your house and, for god's sake, don't leave them alone for a minute. A riot hose on standby is also a good idea.
Last year the elder son had a music night at home for his 16th birthday with about 15 friends, take-away pizzas, music up loud....and it passed without a hitch. He planned to do the same this year. I'd put in place all the precautions I could think of, the main one being to keep quiet about his party and not, under any circumstances, to mention it on Facebook or any other social network.
Somehow word got out and we were inundated with gatecrashers, already flying on Lambrini and god knows what else by 8pm. A house and garden full of drunk teenagers is not much fun and I was seriously considering turning the garden hose on to get rid of them but a more measured approach from a less confrontational adult than me eventually worked. Knowing my luck that night the hose would have been on the sprinkler setting anyway.
In the time it took to get rid of our uninvited guests they managed to steal five bottles of champagne and a bottle of vodka, break the downstairs loo, pee in the shower in the boys' upstairs bathroom, smash pictures I'd stacked in my bedroom leaving glass scattered all over the carpet, climb on my neighbour's Mercedes and rip off the number plate and, the piece de resistance, steal my son's iPod, BlackBerry and watch. They were trying to get his laptop and Beats headphones but a canny friend of his overheard and hid them. Apparently 'jacking' is now the in thing, go to a party and nick as much as you can...
I caught a couple trying to sneak into the spare bedroom and threw them out despite their 'we only want to talk' routine, yeah, right......
With the help of the teenage network, by the next day I'd got the iPod, phone and watch back and the girl who'd caused the damage to my neighbour's car had been traced and paid for the damage.
This all happened with adults in the house in a rural market town in Wiltshire. There's a seismic difference between 16 and 17 and it's alcohol. I later discovered that some of the girls who'd looked at least 18 in their body-con dresses and skyscraper heels and who were out of their heads were actually only 14 or 15.
A friend told me that someone she knew had invited 20 kids and 80 had turned up so we got away relatively lightly. I'm still seething about the champagne as it had been given on special birthdays and to celebrate special moments and I know it ended up being sprayed around a la Formula One or necked and then chucked (up).
I did my fair share of drunken partying as a teenager and I have dim and distant memories of throwing up in someone's flowerbeds. The police turned up a few times but it was always because the music was too loud, not because we were trashing someone's home.
So my advice to any parents thinking about letting their teenager have a party at home and worrying about spoiling the fun by staying around, is this - hire a hall.
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