It's a gardener's world.

It's that time of year when the garden centres are packed and it seems like everyone is pruning, mowing, weeding and planting.

My garden is featuring in a couple of weeks as the backdrop for the launch party for my new business, La Belle Provence, so my usual annual practice of bunging a few geraniums in pots and doing a spot of weeding so the perennials are vaguely visible in the borders, isn't going to be anywhere near enough.

Everyone has been pitching in and my menfolk have been doing their bit to help get the place looking fetching. They're full of enthusiasm but their gardening knowledge is rather limited.

The 17-year-old put the schedule back somewhat when he managed to put the lawnmower out of action by mowing through the cable. After that, I decided the safest place for him and his brother was the flower beds, so one son tackled one border while the other tidied up another. A short while later the 11-year-old called me over to see his handiwork and proudly pointed out that he'd carefully weeded around 'that yellow flower'.......a dandelion. Bless.

He's definitely not in the league though of the estate agent friend of one of my girlfriends who arrived home and was telling his wife about his day. He told her that he'd done a viewing where he'd shown a couple around a house and it had been like virtually every other viewing until they'd begun acting extremely oddly as he took them around the garden.

Apparently the viewing around the house had been fine but once they'd got in the garden and he'd begun his sales pitch, they'd started sniggering and every time they caught each other's eye they'd start giggling and it was obvious they were trying not to collapse into hysterics.

The poor chap was completely baffled by their behaviour and couldn't work out what was going on but he gamely carried on with the viewing, trying to ignore the couple's sniggers and snorts.

'Well, did you do anything or say anything to make them behave like that?' asked his wife. 'They were ok in the house and it only started in the garden? Talk me through what you did when you got out in the garden and tell me exactly what you said.' 

'Well, we went into the back garden and you know I don't know that much about gardens so I couldn't go into a lot of detail so I said there was a nice mature oak tree. Then I took them over to one of the borders and said there were some lovely established shrubs and then I pointed out how pretty the clitoris was that was in flower.'

'WHAT? YOU SAID WHAT?'

IT'S CLEMATIS!' yelped his wife........