High maintenance

I saw snowdrops today and it made me hopeful that spring is on the way. There's something really heartening about the appearance of those first perky little plants after a long, cold winter like the one we've just had.

I've noticed the birds have started singing longer in the evenings too and the nights are starting to draw out.

Even better, the Boden catalogue has arrived with all those over-priced but wonderfully tempting, colourful outfits that are clearly going to make me look just as gorgeous, glossy and glam as the models, aren't they? Well, what's a bit of self-delusion among friends?

Soon the opaque tights will be banished, the woolly cover it all up dresses will be folded away and the boots will be stored at the back of the wardrobe for another year. Out will come the wedges, the kitten heels and the sparkly flip flops, the cropped capris, floaty tunics, maxi dresses....

It was as I was mentally making the reacquaintance of my summer wardrobe that the ghastly thought struck me - uh oh, summer also means way more maintenance is needed if there's to be any hope of looking at least halfway decent. 

There's the endless leg shaving and not just up to the knee either, no, summer means it has to be a return to going all the way up (now that alone means having to be a contortionist). I did try waxing but nearly shot off the beautician's couch, jeez why does it have to hurt so much?

Then there's the paint yourself by numbers St Tropez fake tan sessions that leave the bathroom looking like I've been mud wrestling. I now have a very healthy respect for those fake tans after making the mistake of buying a clear spray one in France and dousing myself liberally only to wake up the next morning with mahogany coloured feet. It took weeks before I stopped looking as if I'd stepped in a pot of creosote.

Once you've got the golden tan right, there's the toe nail painting, the slathering the decolletage to avoid the crepey cleavage look, the buffing and exfoliating....on and on it goes.

On reflection, I wonder if I could spin out those opaques until July?